Ep 49: Invitation to Year-End Examen

Summary Keywords: Reflecting, new year, examen,  

Dominic Kaiser  0:06  

Welcome to The Contemplative Life: Three pastors, friends and spiritual companions help us explore spirituality through a contemplative lens.

I'm Christina Roberts.
I'm Chris Roberts.
I'm Kristina Kaiser. We're glad you joined us. 

Chris Roberts  0:23  

Well, hello, it's great to be with you. Today we'll be talking about an invitation to a year end examen. I have to say that I sort of inherited this practice when I married Christina. She had this annual tradition of going to Barnes and Nobles at the end of the year, and getting a warm beverage and reflecting on her year. For some context, our wedding was at the end of November. And so December rolled around, and I was a newlywed being invited by my new bride to this reflection practice. I had never done anything like that before. I'm a very spontaneous person, I like to be in the moment, I was not really into planning or things like planning, however, I was into my new wife. And this seemed important her. So she showed up with these sheets of paper with questions. And even though I was not looking forward to it, it ended up being a good time together, and became not only her annual tradition, but our tradition together. And so I'm very thankful for the practice of reflecting and honoring the past year while looking forward to what is to come. So it seems fitting, as this podcast will go live on December 28, to give some time to talking about year-end examen practices. So as I bring up a year-end examen what comes to mind.

Kristina Kaiser  1:52  

I think I feel like such a nerd because I love your story. It feels like such a romantic story. We go together and we drink whatever warm beverage and we do our year examen. And I cannot imagine my husband doing that with me. So I'm just gonna live through you guys for a hot second. 

Chris Roberts  2:14  

I think to be fair, it killed any sort of romance. For the first couple of years, I was not very into romance. 

Kristina Kaiser  2:23  

Understood.  I will take that into account as I create this into a romantic story in my mind that has been noted. I also find it so interesting how this is going to look different in every single life. So I realize in my life, the way that the year-end examen happens is through my Christmas card letter. So, you know, those that know me really well will know how much I love this Christmas card thing.  Some people see it as an obligation or just something that they do. I see it as like a labor of love. My husband might say, oh, that's just surface engagement. And I think no, this is how I stay in touch with some people. Otherwise, I would never know anything about them. I love it. So in order to write the Christmas letter, I always have to go back, I have to look at each month and say what happened?  What happened so that I can take account. And it's such a beautiful thing, because a lot of times we're moving through and it feels like snail pace, snail pace, snail pace. And then you look back, you say no, it really changed, there was this trajectory. There were things that happened. And so my Christmas letter is what helps me to do this process. It just forces me to sit down and be in that space.

Christina Roberts  3:44  

Yeah. And I think it's important to mention that there are different ways to go about this. I think the essence is that there's something valuable about pausing and reflecting and sort of naming all of the things that have happened in our lives. That seems to be helpful. And to your point that can happen in different ways. And so I have someone with a January birthday that I meet with and every year she makes a collage. And she's been doing this for decades and looks at magazines and tries to capture her year in a collage form. I have another person I meet with who's an engineer and he typically has like these grids or spreadsheets about his examen and how he's reflecting on his life and maybe thinking ahead. You know, I think even with Chris and I, our practice has evolved over the years.  We went from Barnes and Noble to a cute little French Cafe and tried to make it a little bit more, "romantic" as we're talking about today. But even the types of things that we're reflecting on, some years we've done some kind of larger questions. Other years we've had, maybe 10 different categories of life, our finances, our friendships, vocation, all the things and just spending some time reflecting on that. So I think the point being that there's something important about a rhythm of reflection and having that but the how, and the where and all of that sort of thing I think certainly can be adaptable to whoever is doing it.

Chris Roberts  5:07  

Yeah, I love the notion that we could do it in different ways. And the end result is this reflectiveness that we bring into our life. And I think for myself, one of the things that I really appreciated about instituting this practice in my life is I don't know that if I didn't institute this practice, that I would be able to look at the past and be able to notice themes that have been happening with my life. Themes that therefore, give me a sense of what is going to happen in the future. Whenever I look back at the year, and I say, oh, there, there was this theme, and this theme, it actually gives me a sense of what this next season is going to hold. So I've really appreciated the practice for being able to notice what's come up within this past year. And the sense that I get for the future, often is very accurate, for what happened in that reflection space.

Christina Roberts  6:07  

And maybe to add to that for a while Chris, and I would take the year like you're mentioning and try to capture it with maybe a song or a word or something like that. And I remember a season where we were walking through infertility together, and it was just this long process. We were trying to adopt, and nothing was happening on the adoption front. And we were facing roadblocks with biological children as well. And I remember a Counting Crows song, Long December, Chris kinda was like, I feel like this captures that we've just been in this really long December. And somehow having a song attached to our year as we went into the next year, and it continued to be “A Long December” like that. It wasn't like, Okay, it's January 1, and now that's over and we're into this new thing. It continued. And so having that song, I would play it often as a reminder of, Okay, “it's a long December but maybe this year will be better than the last”. That was just sort of my hope in that song. 

And again, I think, to your point, if we hadn't carved out the time to really name that, I don't think I would have had that hope to carry me through that next year of hardship as well. So I think there's something about that, of carrying that into the next year, which maybe is a little bit different than, traditional, “I'm going to have a New Year's resolution or goals”, which is fine. But I think this is maybe a little bit different form of contemplative practice where we're taking that reflection into the new space with us in maybe a unique way. 

Kristina Kaiser  7:26  

Yeah. And I feel like some of those words that I've sometimes put in place, they might work for three or four months, and then I kind of have to shift. And so that's also useful, because I think when I first started this practice, I really did think, no, no, you gotta make this word work all year long. And life just doesn't work that way. So this flexibility is all super important. But it would sort of drive those first few months where it's wintery and it's cold, and everybody's bundled up and it's darker out, it was really a meaningful thing. It's funny, you mentioned this song, because as we were just starting, I remember that even as a teenager, radio stations would do an end of year list of what have been the top hits. And so as a teenager, because the radio was the thing, you know, that DJ on the radio was prompting this practice in me already, I would have never known what was coming, but it was already starting to turn as well. As you know, usually there's a few days where the kids have off. And maybe Dominic has off from work. So we often grab a cup of coffee and talk about where we've been and where we're going. So all these little ways, including, I know that we said like New Year's resolutions are a different practice. But there is this ordering of one's life. When I remember one year I just said, You know what, I'm not gonna run out of stamps all the time. That is so annoying that when I need it I don't have one. And you know, it almost harkens back to our adulting podcast a few episodes ago, but I just said no more. There's no need for this, you can buy stamps in a roll, and you can plan ahead, and this never has to happen. It hasn't to date. I have always had stamps when I needed them henceforth. So there's these little ways in which we make sense out of the chaos a little bit and we kind of get squared, we get ready. 

Christina Roberts  9:24  

Yeah, I think that's important. And even as we've had children, we've adapted our reflective practice where usually about once a quarter/ once a season, we have big oversized sticky note things that go on the wall. I'm sure there's a more technical name for it, but we have these and list the months November, December or maybe there's three months. And we have different categories like where's a place that we want to visit, something we want to purchase. I'm looking at it right now. Home Improvements, creative endeavors, self-improvement, miscellaneous.  We have these different categories, and then we together say okay, we went to go to this park or this museum or and it can be a larger thing or a smaller thing. Like we want to try this new bakery that just opened up on the east side of town, something like that, or things that we want to purchase. And then we have little checkboxes. And it kind of focuses us on Okay, we have a free Saturday, is there something that we want to do that we otherwise would forget about? And so, I think that really has helped us to focus on what matters. And it's interesting to especially the something to purchase category, you know, oftentimes the kids will have these grandiose, I want XYZ, but then maybe they'll get some birthday money and recognize actually, I don't know that I want that. And so I think it's creating this delay to put it on the list.  Anything can go up there, but then, as we sit with it, maybe to your point, it changes.  We don't have to be bound to what's on the list. It's just sort of a guide for us. So yeah, again, I think there's great ways to adapt this even for our children and our family as well. 

Chris Roberts  10:55  

And I think, something that's taken this even a little bit further for me in my life is the Ignatian practice of the Examen, looking at what are my consolations in life? And then what are my desolations in life? And to your point, Kristina, this was a thing that I thought was going to be life giving to me for the season. And then you noticed, you sort of pay attention to, actually that didn't do for me what I wanted it to do. And so, this practice of the examen where you take moments of your day, or moments of your week, and you just say, Okay, what was life giving? And, you know, what was life stealing? Or where did I not find God? Or where did I not connect relationally? And so I've appreciated the Ignatius practice of the examen, to even sort of micro-adjust different aspects of my life. And so I really appreciated that as we, as we talk about examen, not just as a year-end examen, but just in my life in general.

Kristina Kaiser  12:09  

I think this is so beautiful, because it ignites the imagination a little bit for what your life could be.  So, you know, I can look back now for several years, and I can say, oh, that that moment in time was really, that was a struggle. And I could have ended up staying in that struggle. But because I sat down, and I allowed myself to say what else, there was this forward motion, there's a trajectory, it didn't have to stay that way. But I'm a loyal person. There's no reason for why I would have changed just based on basic ways that I behave in life. I would have just stayed the course and been obedient to the course that I had set for myself, without this kind of a thing to stop and say, what else is possible? And then to have supportive people around who also say, Okay, let's, yes, I see the energy in your eyes and in your voice, or I hear that, and I want that for you, too. And so here we go. So it really is just a beautiful practice, even though it might sound a little like, Okay, fine. It's really gorgeous.

Chris Roberts  13:19  

I love that you bring up loyalty as it relates to trying to figure out change that needs to happen in your life, because loyalty can keep you in a place. And I think this practice of examen makes you really evaluate.  Even though I'm a loyal person, should I be continuing in this space or this place that I'm in? And so that was a great point that you brought up.  Well, thank you so much for just a generative conversation today.

Now we're going to transition to the part of our podcast where we talk about what we are into this week. What are we into?

Christina Roberts  14:02  

Well, since I was just looking at our list, and I am into one of the things on our list.  There are these like little peppermint ice cream squares from Haagen Dazs that are at Costco, seasonally.  So hopefully by the time this podcast airs, we will have purchased those peppermint ice cream things while we are decorating our tree. But that is something that I am into this time of year. They're yummy. We tried them last year and it's like oh my gosh, we can't wait till next year to have these.  So that is what I am into.

Kristina Kaiser  14:29  

Oh, that is so exciting. Because this weekend, and I hope nothing can ruin it, but the plan is to go to Costco. We used to live 20 minutes from a Costco. We could go anytime we wanted and we did like at least once a month, but it's a little harder now. We have to go at least an hour and a half to get to one so the plan is to go to Costco this weekend. And it feels like a trip to the candy store. Can't wait.

Chris Roberts  14:56  

Nice. Well, I am into movies that were important to me in my past that I want to pass on to my children. We are going to be taking a trip to Texas pretty soon. One of the things that we do a lot when we're there is to watch movies, and so I want to be intentional about some of the movies that we watch over our break. And I want to pass on some of these magic moments that I had with the arts in the movie industry and pass those things on to my children. So you know, we're looking at Lord of the Rings, we're looking at some movies that we thought were amazing to us and that we want to pass on to our children. So I am into passing on movies that were important to me to my children. 

Well, thanks for joining us today. If you are enjoying listening to the podcast, we invite you to sign up for our bi weekly newsletter. You can find the link in the show notes or subscribe at thecontemplativelife.net. Until next time, make it a great week.